JOKES - 2001.07.15
1. Beer Bottles
A man and woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married, his new wife told the man "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage he honored her request and never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of him and he cautiously lifted the lid and peeked inside the box. In the box he found 3 empty beer bottles and $187.25 in small bills. He closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that he knew what was in the box, curiosity was doubled as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the man could no longer contain his curiosity and confessed :
- I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was just too much. I gave in and looked in the box. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?
The woman thought for a while and answered :
- I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.
The man was stunned and said :
- I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess during those years when I traveled away from home on business temptation would happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the man asked his wife :
- What about all that money in the box?
To which she answered :
- Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
2. Tell Who?
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed :
- You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?
The Lord sighed, and said :
- No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked :
- Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied :
- Who's he going to tell?"
3. Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades along the road and decide carry them to the police station.
- What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
- Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just tell them we only found two."
4. American history
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said :
- Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me death'?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up.
- Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
- Very good! Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Suzuki:
- Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class
- Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper:
- Damned Japanese."
- Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up.
- Lee Iacocca,1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed :
- I'm gonna throw up."
The teacher glares and asks:
- All right! Now who said that?"
Again, Suzuki raises his hand and says :
- George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells :
- Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher :
- Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
5. Woman age
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk :
- I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
- About 35," was the reply.
- I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied :
- Oh, you look about 29.
- I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied :
- I am 85 years old and my eye sight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt, I will be able to tell your exact age"
There was no one around, so the woman said :
- What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said :
- OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said :
- That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied :
- I was behind you in line at McDonalds".
6. The whole truth
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying :
- " I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says :
- I know the whole truth.
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says :
- Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with :
- I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says
- Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying :
- I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says :
- Then come give your Daddy a big hug."
7. Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her :
- If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.
The frog said :
- Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said :
- That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her :
- You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied :
- That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said :
- That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said :
- That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered :
- I'd like a very mild heart attack
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
8. Lesson Number One
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
9. Lesson Number Two
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The Brain said :
- I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said :
- We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.
The hands said :
- We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the Feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss. Any asshole will do.
10. Lesson Number Three
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
- I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
- Well,why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients.
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
11. Lesson Number Four
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him :
- Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
The crow answered:
- Sure, why not.
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
12. Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did!
What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed :
- For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
13. Don't be curious
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one handy.
- There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
...Naturally, the guy began to worry.
- Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
- No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
- Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
- No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
- Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied,
- That's me before the operation."
14. MARRIAGE - A Husband's Viewpoint
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (A life sentence !!!)
- Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over the strings are attached.
- Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
- Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
- Marriage requires a man to prepare 5 types of "RINGS" :
a) The Engagement Ring
b) The Wedding Ring
c) The SuffeRing
d) The EnduRing
e) The TortuRing
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother
- Why is the bride dressed in white?"
- Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
- So, why's the groom wearing black?"
BLAGUES / JOKES